Ephesians 6: 1-4
1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.
2 “Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise:
3 “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.”
4 And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.
Ephesians 6:1 says to obey parents ‘in the Lord’ meaning only godly good instructions. Some instructions of parents may not be from the Lord like if a parent asks the child to steal or kill or do something very wrong.
There was a mom who told her son to abandon his wife because his wife doesn’t want to live with them in the same house. The son’s wife reasoned that she loves her husband’s parents but living together may only cause conflict and she wants to maintain a good relationship so staying apart even nearby is better. They could visit often and reach out frequently without stepping over each other’s toes. Should the son obey his parent in abandoning his wife in this case? In Christian context, it is a big NO.
However in this case the mom persuaded the son to divorce his wife, bought over the property (belonging to her son & wife) so the parents can live with him. How could parents be so selfish? However there are selfish wicked parents who have no thought of the sufferings of their daughters in law or the future of their son. Some men adore their moms and foolishly put away their beautiful wives and family for their mom’s sake.
Marriage is sacred and no one should step in and separate what God has joined together in holy matrimony!
In Matthew 19:3 the Pharisees posed a question to Jesus “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason?”
This was Jesus reply in Matthew 19:4-6;
“Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’ ? So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”
Asians especially often mistakenly believe that to honor parents means to live together with parents and take care of them. However Jesus made it clear that a man is supposed to leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife. There is leaving of parent’s nest and joining with wife to build your own nest.
Many young couples get confused under pressure about how they should honor and obey parents. Must children after marriage live with parents or bring parents to live with them? Does honoring mean married children, their families and parents live together? No, of course not!! It only brings chaos and confusion.
Honor simply means being highly respectful and hold the person concern in great esteem. It’s the quality of knowing and doing what is morally right. Giving honor should be regarded as a rare opportunity that brings pride and pleasure.
Parents must be understanding and responsible enough to allow our sons and daughters to cleave to their spouses and build their own families.
Please leave them alone and let them learn to be responsible, manage their own finances and build their own nest. Every marriage has difficulties as two people venture into life together and parental intrusion only makes matters worse.
Please stay out of your daughters and sons marriage and family. Look at the birds : – no adult bird stays in their parents nest and lay eggs there. They build their own nest! Similarly allow your children to mature and learn responsibilities in handling life without being overbearing and intruding into their lives.
Parents if your sons stay separately in a house of their own doesn’t mean they have dishonored you. It has nothing to do with honor. One may live with parents and totally dishonor them!
We told our son when he was 17 years old and had just begun his tertiary education in USA that he was on his own with God the Father and he should take on the responsibility of calling onto God in making right decisions. We are on the other side of the globe and can only pray for him. We told him then, that when he gets married he has to live on his own with his wife and mom and dad won’t stay with him regardless! With exception of course when we visit.
We know that God is with him and he has to learn handles of life on his own relying on God not on his parents. His being on his own is in no way being disrespectful or dishonoring us. We are very happy that he had managed his life very well so far independent of us but dependent on the wisdom of God.
Ephesians 6:4 talks of parental training and not provoking. This should be done from a very young age so when the children are older, the instructions in righteousness ingrained in them from young should bear fruits as they walk with God.
Parents be gracious giving room for your sons and daughters to get their bearings in life on their own. Let me repeat- please let them learn to be responsible to manage their finances and buy their own homes and build their lives.
Please don’t be insecure and busybodies into their lives and stop spoon-feeding them. They may make mistakes along the way but these mistakes are their learning curve which should give them greater wisdom and counsel.as they cruise through life.
Your prayers for them are very valuable but keep your distance and don’t nag them. Trust God that God will see them through!
By Pr Christina Ang